Where I live, it’s not quite midnight, but I’m already celebrating the new year. Already, 2020 looks to be filled with big adventures, exciting opportunities, and a measure of peace.
But the new year also gives me a chance to make some overdue changes. Ex-Narnian is one of them. The last sand grains are about to fall through the hourglass of 2019, and I am eager to end this year on a good note—partly by leaving some baggage behind.
This blog has been a source of deep personal pain and embarrassment. My critiques of Narnia and Christianity came from a disturbed and confused place, and I’m haunted when I look back at it all. Writing those posts once seemed like a great idea, but now it looks more like literary masturbation: It felt great at the time, but it did no good, and it weighs me down with regret and embarrassment even now.
To be fair with myself, writing this blog made sense at the time. My crisis of faith was the worst thing that ever happened to me, and I didn’t know how to process it. Somehow, I got the idea in my head to launch a blog called Ex-Narnian, thinking it would help me through my struggles and, as a bonus, alert people to the power and problems of some of of C.S. Lewis’s most beloved ideas. (I still think Narnia has troubling ideas and Lewis’s depiction of Jesus is the most troubling of them all.) Instead, with all the predictability of an epic Hollywood gunfight, I made a fool out of myself, and I put words into the blogosphere that never needed to be here.
People make mistakes. In my life, Ex-Narnian is a big one. As a Christian, I am supposed to speak words that edify and strengthen Christians and praise the God who gave me my talents. As a writer, I am supposed to express meaningful ideas with lucid thoughts and clear words. Too many of my posts are discouraging and dark, with confused words written from a confused mind.
So what will I do with this blog? I don’t know. I could make it private—for my eyes only—but it would be like carrying that baggage from 2019 with me. I could delete it—be done with it once and for all—but I can’t just erase all those words without seriously thinking through the consequences. I can’t just erase a quarter million words without taking a pause.
However I close the door, I know it won’t reopen. Ex-Narnian has reached its end. There’s nothing more I need to say. Hell, there’s nothing more I want to say. The critiques have been published, the struggles are over, the faith is kept—and I’d rather not keep it with the whole world watching.
Who knows? Maybe I’ll start another blog someday.
Just not about Narnia.
Peace out, and thanks for reading.